Running Twitter Feed – Chiefs vs Rams

 

Let’s do this.  We finally made it.  It’s time for the biggest regular season game of the year.  It’s a Super Bowl preview.  I hope we’re not disappointed.

8:00 pm (EST) – I just texted my buddy who’s at the game:

Me:  “What’s the atmosphere like?”

Him:  “I just got here…it’s wild.”

I’m so upset that I’m not at the game.

8:03 –  My 75lb dog decided to sit on my lap.  He’s going to have to find a new spot or I might die.  Or if the Rams lose, he might die.  Your choice, buddy.

8:06 – Why is everyone taking the Chiefs this game?  I’m confused.  Is it because the Rams lost to the Saints on the road?  Is it because they barely beat a tough Seattle team?  Seriously, I’m just curious.  Do people know this game is in LA?

8:08 – I cant believe I didn’t fly home for this game.

8:10 – It’s really disappointing that the Chiefs didn’t go with their all red uniforms.  Especially after the Patrick Mahomes ketchup on his mac n cheese crap.  That’s how I know Goff > Mahomes.  This could’ve been a classic mustard vs ketchup game.  I don’t know if my eyes could have handled that. 

8:12 – My dog finally got off my lap.  I was two minutes away from suffocating and dying.  He doesn’t know how big he is

8:14 – Time to crack open my first beer.  This running diary is brought to you by Stella.  I don’t even like Stella, but thats the only beer we have in the fridge.

8:15 – I just walked my ass to the fridge and we’re out of fuckin beer.  Unbelievable.  I’m pissed off and the game  hasn’t even started.

8:17 – HERE WE GO!!!!  Rams on offense first; the yellow uniform looks beautiful.  Let’s get Gurley rolling early.  Knowing Sean McVay they’ll throw the ball every play this drive

8:23 – Rams Touchdown!!!  Goff to Woods for a 7 yard touchdown.  Serious question, how many yards/touchdowns does Robert Woods have at the Coliseum.  That was too easy.  This is going to be an absolute shootout.  This Chiefs defense looks AWFUL.  Oh what the hell Greg……… he just missed a PAT.  Shouldn’t matter in this game.  6-0  Rams.

8:25 – I’m surprised the refs gave the Rams those two flags.  I’m not going to lie, those were soft ass calls.  You know the NFL wants a shootout…. hmmmmm conspiracy theory time.  The NFL replaced the original referee group with this “highly qualified” group.  I wonder why?  Maybe a little extra bag from Roger Goodell?  Keep the games close and let the teams run up the scores.  Hmmmmmmmm, just a thought.

8:30 – Wade Phillips in a LAFD hat.  GILF.  This feels like a playoff game.  The atmosphere is intense.  I can feel it through my TV.  Inject it into my veins!  Five flags in the first five minutes of the game.  Not a good start for the Chiefs.

8:32 – Text from a friend that’s at the game, “Peters getting burned by Kelce is ridiculous.”  Mahomes just missed a wide open Kelce.  Peters on Kelce to start the game, intresting.  I don’t hate it.  I BELIEVE IN YOU MARCUS PETERS.  Marcus Peters is going to make a play this game.

8:40 – Another penalty on the Chiefs..  6 flags for the Chiefs- that has to be some kind of record.

8:43 – ANOTHER PENALTY ON THE CHIEFS!  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?

8:44 –  Touchdown Rams.  I like Josh Reynolds, he’s going to do well filling in for Cooper Kupp.  What a start for Jared Goff.  ARE WE SURE THIS IS GOING TO BE A GOOD GAME?!?!?  13 – 0 Rams.  I want a back breaking pick six right here.  Let’s break the Chiefs early.  I SMELL BLOOD!

8:50 – Rams defense still can’t stop the run.  Shocker.  Chiefs touchdown.  4 plays, 75 yards, 2:10.  Tyreke Hill is FAST.  Not sure why he was one-on-one vs Sam Shields there.  Oh well.  Game on.  This is going to be fun.  14-6 Rams.

8:56 – Malcon Brown in at RB to start this series…. ummmmm where’s Todd Gurley?  Is he hurt?  Josh Reynolds over/under for yards was 36 yards this game.  That’s 4 catches for 44 yards for Reynolds in the 1st quarter.  $$$$$$$$.  PAY ME.

9:00 – 13 – 6 Rams after the 1st quarter.  That wasn’t too bad.  I’m chilling.  Not worried at all. 

9:03 – Andy Reid just yelled at Jared Goff to “get the fuck out of here.”  Big Red was fuming hahahha.  Rams can’t convert in the red zone after the PI flag is picked up.  I think it’s such bullshit you can challenge that the ball got tipped.  16-7 Rams.

9:14 – Sam Shields can’t run with Tyreke Hill.  I mean no one can, but can we get Sam Shield some help over the top, please?

9:20 – HUUUUUUGE stop by the Rams on 3rd and Goal to force a FG.  I’m not sure why the Chiefs decided to kick it there?  The Rams can’t stop the Chiefs right now.  I know McVay is happy that the Chiefs just kicked a FG.  16-10 Rams with 8:04 left in the half.  I don’t think the Rams will be able to stop Kansas City at all tonight.  I don’t think Kansas City will be able to stop the Rams at all tonight.  Whoever gets the ball last is going to win this game.  This is a Madden game with the settings set to All-Rookie.  Buckle your seat-belts. 

9:24 – Curious to see if the Rams get the run going this drive.  Who the hell makes these corny graphics for ESPN?  They’re awful.  What the hell was that Sean Mcvay/castle/Harry Potter crap?

9:27:  Oh no fuck me – Goff fumbled on the 20…..Mahomes to Hunt for a Chiefs touchdown.  How the hell are the Chiefs up right now?  This isn’t good.  17-16 Chiefs.  Rams defense is going to need to make a play and I also need half a Valium.

9:35 – Cheifs D just forced the Rams to punt.  Chiefs getting the ball back with 4 minutes left AND the Chiefs get the ball to start the second half…. Need the Rams defense to make a big play here or they’re in trouble.  GULP.

9:44 – BALL BALL BALL!!!!!!  AARON DONALD.  BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE.  HOLY CRAP.  WHAT A PLAY.  DONALD STRIP SACK AND TOUCHDOWN RETURN BY THE RAMS. It’s unreal what he can do out there.  Aaron Donald deserves $250 million.  RAMS NEEEEEDED THAT PLAY SO BAD.  23-17 Rams. 

9:51 – Chiefs touchdown.  7 plays, 69 yards, 1:37.  CHIEFS kicker just missed the PAT.  Are you kidding me?  I am going to have a heart attack.  This is the best half of football I’ve ever seen.  This is football porn.  I need halftime to be two hours long so I can calm down.  I don’t even smoke, but I think I need a cigarette.  23-23 at the half.  I’m going to go outside and scream, ” I LOVE FOOTBALL!!!!!!”  Be right back.

9:57 – OK RANT TIME – WHAT THE HELL WERE THE RAMS DOING GETTING THE CHAINSMOKERS FOR THIS SHIT.  YOU’RE TELLING ME THEY COULDN’T GET MOTHEREFFIN YG?!?  LIKE WHAT THE FUCK????? SERIOUSLY?  THAT WAS THE LAMEST SHIT I’VE EVER SEEN.  UNREAL.  People in LA don’t give a fuck about the Chainsmokers.  They were cool six years ago.  Whoever suggested the Chainsmokers needs to be fired.  Best Chainsmoker song of all time?  Roses.  Fight me. 

10:12 – BALL BALL BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAARON FUCKIN DONALD!!!  Holy shit pay him more, pay him more!!!!    That ball was on the ground for 20 seconds HAHAH.  I just screamed BALL BALL BALL for twenty seconds.  That ball kept rolling and rolling.  Thought that thing was going to roll all the way to San Diego.  Patrick Mahomes is soft.  Can’t take the hits!!!!!  Can’t hang on to the football!!!!  I can’t believe the Rams picked up that ball.  Imagine this defense without Aaron Donald.

10:17 – Cooks just dropped a 50-yard touchdown bomb.  It was honestly a great play by the DB, but Cooks needs to hang on to that.  Cooks to the locker room now?

10:22 – I can’t handle this game.  7 yard TD run from Jared Goff and a BEAUTIFUL finger roll over the goal post.  What an athlete!  30-23 Rams.  I still can’t get over Aaron Donald.  14 points off of two Donald plays.

10:33 – Ughhh Marcus Peters just gave up a 32-yard reception to Travis Kelce.  Peters is going to the locker room?  Chiefs touchdown.  How do you stop this offense?  Is it possible?  30-30 tied up.

10:36 – Burger King’s chicken nuggets look so good.  This commercial has been teasing me for about two weeks now.  I know you know what I’m talking about.

10:39 – I really need to know who makes these graphics for ESPN.  They’re horrible.

10:42 – Is Todd Gurley ok?  He doesn’t look 100%.  I’m kind of worried.  If he’s hurt, they need to shut him down.

10:44 – What was that play call?  Halfback draw on 3rd and 9?  I’ll never question Sean McVay, but what was that call?  Not sure what a Field Goal does there.  Oh well.  33-30 Rams. 

10:46 – Seriously who does the graphics for ESPN?

10:47 – WHAT?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  BANG BANG BANG! Another play from the defense.  Pick 6!!!!!!  21 points off turnovers.  I am in shock right now.  IN SHOCK.  Defense is coming up huge for the Rams.  Who said the Rams defense sucks?!?  40-30 Rams. 

10:52 – WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!?!  TOUCHDOWN RAMS DEFENSE after EVERYONE STOPPED PLAYING.  My dog is going bonkers. I am going bonkers.  Mahomes is SOFT!!! He can’t hang on to the ball. He looks like he’s about to cry on the sideline.  Update: Incomplete pass – it’s the right call.  Oh man that would’ve been insane.  CHIEFS ARE SOFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!  They don’t want this!  They look tired.

10:57 – There’s Gurley.  Time to feed him.  40-30 Rams at the end of the 3rd quarter.  I’m not nervous (yes I am).

11:01 – Goff just took a shot.  That was scary.  Just missed a throw and he’s probably concussed.  I don’t know how the Rams got to 3rd and 30 here and now they’re forced to punt.  Looks like the defense will have to make another play.  Marcus Peters pick 6???????

11:09 – What the fuck.  Mahomes just bombed one to Hill for a 75-yard touchdown.  I am speechless.  3 plays, 91 yards, in 1:08 seconds.  GULP.  This game is going to kill me.  Is there a safe lead vs this Chiefs team?  28 points?  40-37 Rams….

11:13 – I don’t like this.  I’m officially nervous.  Goff has been amazing tonight, but he’s missed a couple of easy throws.  Are we sure he’s not concussed?

11:15 – Fuck,  what the fuck just happened.  Chiefs touchdown on a strip fumble.  3rd and long is killing the Rams this second half.  I’m speechless.  35 combined points off turnovers.  This is an absolute emotional roller coaster.  44-40 Chiefs.

11:21 – Rams touchdown – I’m going to fuckin pass out.  I need a shot. I need a joint. I need a Xanax. I need something.  47-44 Rams with 10 minutes left.

11:29 – “Let’s see if one of the QBs can pull a rabbit out of their head” – Jason Witten. LOLOLZLOLOLZ.  That was funny.

11:31 – 47-44 Rams with 6:33 left in the game.  If the Chiefs score here, the Rams will get the ball back for one more drive.  Should the Rams just let the Chiefs score?

11:36 – Seriously, should the Rams just let the Chiefs score here?  2:55 left with zero timeouts remaining… I want to throw up.  Personal foul on the Rams; ball is on the 10 yard line now.  Chiefs touchdown.  51 – 47 Chiefs with 2:47 left.  Show me what you got Jared Goff.  It’s your time to shine.

11:47 – I just poured a shot.  What a throw from Jared Goff.  BIG BALLS. What a fuckin drive.  6 plays, 75 yards, 58 seconds.  1:49 left 54-51 Rams.  Too much time left on the clock?  MARCUS PETERS IT’S YOUR TIME!!!!!!!

11:52 MARCUS PETERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I BELIEVED IN YOU!!!!!!!!!

I BELIEVED IN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

I BELIEVED IN YOU, MARCUS PETERS!!!!!!!!!!

MARCUS PETERS GAME-ENDING Interception!!!!!! 

ITS OVER!!!!

11:55 – Ok Sean Mcvay.  Wtf was that drive?  Did I just jinx the Rams?  Hekker just booted the punt to Ventrua.  What a fuckin punt.  What is T. Hill doing fielding that punt?

12:02 – That was the best football game ever.  Football porn. Rams win.  Never a doubt to be honest. 

FINAL: Chiefs 51 – Rams 54

 

Mood

NFL Week 10 Picks: Ten Top-10 Lists of Random Things

Week 10 is here.  Here are 10 top-10 lists of random things:

10 Questions for the Rest of the NFL Season

img_7296

  1. Who’s the best team in the NFL?  Is it the Rams?  Yes?  Is it the Saints? Probably?  Is it the Chiefs? Possibly?  Is it the Patriots? Maybe?
  2. Which teams are we sleeping on?  It’s the Panthers, Vikings, Steelers, and Eagles.  They CAN all win the Super Bowl.  They’re the four teams that can do it besides the Rams, Saints, Chiefs, and Patriots.  Am I missing anyone else?
  3. Is Le’veon Bell coming back this season?  Why hasn’t Le’veon fired his agent?  How the hell does he still have a job?  They couldn’t have played this any worse.  Remember when Elvis Dumerville’s agent fucked up?  This is about 1000000 times worse.  Do the Steelers even want him back?  I’m sure they would like to have him back on the field, but at this point you just have to say, “Fuck you, Le’veon. We’re in first place without you, and we love James Connor.”
  4. Why hasn’t Jason Garrett been fired?  Seriously, what else does he need to do to get fired?  What does he have on Jerry Jones?  Maybe a possible sex tape?  It doesn’t pass the smell test.
  5. Who’s going to win the NFC East?  The Redskins are 5-3 and in first place of the division.  The Eagles are just a game back and the Cowboys traded a possible top ten pick for Amari Cooper.  Fly Eagles, fly.
  6. Who’s the MVP?  The top three odds according to BetOnline are:
    1. Patrick Mahomes
    2. Todd Gurley
    3. Drew Brees
  7. What team is going to suffer a crucial injury?  Will they be able to survive it?  Hopefully no one, but it’s football and it happens every year.  The Eagles lost Carson Wentz last year, but Big D*** Nick came in and slapped his balls on the table and took the Eagles to the Super Bowl.
  8. Who’s going to get the first pick in the draft?  The tanks are starting to roll, but what are teams in need of a QB going to do?  The 2019 QB Draft Class looks worse than the 2007 NFL QB Draft Class.
  9. Which trade deadline player will have the biggest impact?  Golden Tate?  Dante Fowler?  Demayrius Thomas?  None of the above?
  10. Fake first half teams?  Who flames out for the second half of the season?  The Chargers?  The Texans?  The Packers?

Top 10 WRs in the League

  1. Antonio Brown
  2. Julio Jones
  3. Deandre Hopkins
  4. Odell Beckham
  5. Michael Thomas (you can honestly shuffle these TOP 5 guys in any order right now)
  6. AJ Green
  7. Adam Theilen (feels too low)
  8. Mike Evans (feels too high)
  9. Devante Adams
  10. Tyreke Hill

Top 10 NFL Coaches to Get Fired

mike mc.jpg

  1. Hue Jackson-  I refuse to believe he’s actually fired.
  2. Jason Garrett-  He has a SEX TAPE on Jerry Jones.
  3. Mike McCarthy-  If he doesn’t get fired this off-season, I will eat dog food.
  4. Vance Joseph- 100% getting fired at the end of the season.  John Elway should get fired too.
  5. Dirk Koetter-  Not sure how he’s still a NFL coach.
  6. Sean McDermott- Why do people even take the Bills job?  It’s a death sentence.
  7. John Harbaugh-  Somehow on the hot seat?
  8. Todd Bowles- What’s he supposed to do with that roster?
  9. Jon Gruden-  I’m actually loving Part II of the Gruden run.
  10. Doug Marrone-  My SNEAAAAAKY coach to get fired pick.

Top 10 Future Bets

duke.jpg

  1. Duke Basketball to win the Final Four +500.  They have the first three picks in next year’s NBA Draft on their roster right now.  I feel comfortable with this pick.  It’s too good to be true.  If they lose, I won’t even be upset about it.  The most talented team lost, oh well.  It comes down to this:  would you be more upset with yourself if you lost this bet or if you didn’t make this bet and Duke won?  Exactly.  Just take Duke at +500; it’s honestly too good to pass up.  By the way, the last time I put in a Duke future bet, I cashed in on the 2015 National Championship Team.
  2. Boston Celtics to win the Eastern Conference +150.  They’re still the best team in the East and they have the best coach in the East.  It’s early, but they’ll figure everything out.  It’s your chance to jump on it now.  I’m also very tempted to take Kyrie MVP odds at +4000.
  3. Warriors to win the NBA Championship -165.  $165 to win $100.  Shouldn’t we all take this bet?  The Warriors are going to win this year unless something CRAZY happens, as in DURANT AND CURRY get hurt.  Risk $1650 to win $1000?
  4. Kyler Murray to win the Heisman +600.  Tua pretty much has the Heisman wrapped up at -1000 BUUUUUUUUUUUUT look at Alabama’s schedule: home vs (18) MS State, home vs Auburn, AT (6) Georgia, and probably the SEC Championship game.  Let’s say Alabama drops one of those games OR Tua struggles in two of those games OR *knock on wood* he gets hurt.  Remember Dennis Dixon?  It happened to him; he had that Heisman wrapped up and under his Christmas tree before he got hurt.  Murray’s going to put up MONSTER numbers in the next three weeks in the BIG12.  He has a perfect Heisman moment opportunity vs West Virgina in the last regular season game.  And if they win that game and Oklahoma wins the BIG 12 to make it to the College Playoffs….I can totally see all this happening.
  5. Lakers to win the NBA Championship +3200. HAHAH I KNOW BUT HEAR ME OUT.  Let’s say Durant or Steph gets hurt. They’ve had tremendous luck for the past four-five years. Maybe they’re due?  Or let’s say Draymond gets hurt or two of their big four get hurt?  Or Boogie destroys the team mojo when he gets back.  And let’s say the Lakers swap Lonzo, KCP, and a couple of future firsts for Damian Lillard at the deadline.  OR the Pelicans completely fall apart and AD forces his way to Los Angeles.  IT’S CRAZY BUT IT CAN FUCKIN HAPPEN.  THERE’S A CHANCE HERE THE LAKERS CAN WIN THE FINALS (don’t take this bet)!!!!
  6. Panthers to win the Super Bowl +2000 AND Cam Newton to win MVP +2500.  I just don’t understand.  Those seem WAY off, right?  Can I parlay these two together?  Wait a minute………hold that thought.  ***UPDATE:  JUST KIDDING!!!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE PANTHERS LAST NIGHT?!?!***
  7. Clemson to win the National Championship +400.  Clemson has a chance to knock off Alabama.  Right now, it’s Alabama/Clemson and the entire NCAA.  Let’s say you don’t think they can.  You think there’s no way this Alabama team loses.  Why not sprinkle some money on Clemson here and hedge your bet vs Clemson?  I don’t believe in hedging; I think it’s a cop out.  I think you should always RIDE YOUR FUTURES OUT, but you have options here.  I can totally see Clemson’s line causing havoc and Trevor Lawrence balling out vs Bama.  That Clemson team isn’t scared of Alabama, and DABO knows he can beat Bama.  Alright before you read on, take a deep breath…you might pass out and we might become millionaires.  CAN WE PARLAY PANTHERS SUPER BOWL – CAM MVP – CLEMSON NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP?!?!  Hold on, I just did the math- it’s $100 to win $272,900?!?!?!  Be right back, I need to call my financial adviser.
  8. Tiger Woods -220 vs Phil Mickelson.  Tiger’s not losing this matchup, just no fuckin way.  Full Alpha Mode Tiger Woods would kill Phil before he loses to him.
  9. Harry and Meghan weight of first child at birth over 8.5 lbs +130.  This is an actual bet offered on Bovada right now.  The average baby weighs 7.8 lbs at birth.  The new royal babies were born weighing 8.6 lbs, 8.3 lbs, and 8.7 lbs.  The newest addition to the family is also the heaviest royal baby to be born in recent years.  Prince William was only 7.2 lbs and Harry was only 6.14 lbs.  You don’t think little bro Harry wants his baby to weigh more than his brother’s babies?!?  That baby is going to be EATING. I’m going with the over. C’mon you fat f***!!!!!!!
  10. Lavar – Kanye 2020 +500.  +500?!?!?! We are all screwed.  Just kidding, totally made that up, but you believed it huh?

img_7188


Top 10 NBA City Jerseys (as of November 7)

  1. Miami Heat

2. Denver Nuggets

3. Brooklyn Nets

4. Chicago Bulls

5. Minnesota Timberwolves

6. Washington Wizards

7. Milwuakee Bucks

8. Charlotte Hornets

9. Philadelphia 76ers

10. Detroit Pistons

UPDATE:  I HATE THE LAKERS JERSEY.


Top 10 Fast Food Items

in n out.png

  1. In-N-Out Double Double with Grilled Onion (whole)
  2. Chick-Fil-A Spicy Chicken Deluxe Sandwich
  3. Chick-Fil- A Spicy Chicken Strips
  4. Chipotle Bowl
  5. Canes Box Combo
  6. Del Taco Chicken Soft Tacos
  7. Popeyes Spicy Chicken
  8. Subway Chocolate Chip Cookies
  9. McFlurry with Extra Oreos
  10. Wendy’s Chili

Top 10 Underrated Things in Life, in No Particular Order

  1. Waking up without a hangover.  This one might be a little over hyped now, but seriously, is there a better feeling?  This feeling will always be underrated and under-appreciated.  You never appreciate these mornings like you really should.
  2. Not going out on Friday night.  I just worked a full work week and all I want to do on Friday night is go to sleep.  I’m getting way too old.
  3. Rita Ora.  Seriously so underrated.  My top 5 Rita Ora songs:
    1. Your Song
    2. I Will Never Let You Down
    3. Let You Love Me
    4. Anywhere
    5. How We Do (Party)
  4. Chili from Wendy’s.  Don’t knock it til you try it.
  5. Hitting a sports bet EARLY.  Hitting a bet early in the 2nd quarter is an amazing feeling.  There’s no one smarter than you at that moment.
  6. Twitter. I don’t know how people live without Twitter.
  7. Uber.  Can you imagine life without Uber right now?
  8. Venmo. How did people split bills before Venmo?
  9. Wireless headphones. We’re so God damn spoiled.
  10. Devastating sports losses.  It sucks, but everyone needs to go through it.  You need to go through a couple of devastating losses in order to truly appreciate the championships.

Top 10 Overrated Things in Life, in No Particular Order

  1. Marcus Peters.  I’M KIDDING!  I BELIEVE IN YOU MARCUS!
  2. Avocados.  They’re good, but they’re not THAT GOOD.
  3. Instagram.
  4. Fantasy football “experts”.  Anyone that watches football can be a fantasy football expert.  I could be a damn fantasy football expert if I wanted to.  It’s really not that hard.
  5. New Year’s Eve.  Just another night out with 10 times the expectation.  NYE is always over-hyped for no damn reason.
  6. Turkey.  Ham > turkey.
  7. PAC 12.  I shouldn’t even include them in this because the PAC12 isn’t even rated.  The last PAC12 NCAAF Championship? 2004.  The last PAC12 NCAAB Championship?  1997.  I AM EMBARRASSED.
  8. Game of Thrones. Sucks.  Overrated.  Nerds
  9. Tom Brady “Super Bowl/Clutch Performance” talk.”  What is Brady’s Super Bowl moment?  Here’s what jumps out at me from Brady’s Super Bowl wins:
    • 2002: Tuck rule. Shouldn’t have made the Super Bowl.  16/27 for 145 yards and 1 TD…ok? Vinateri winning FG.
    • 2004: Vinateri winning FG.
    • 2005: Deion Branch game and TO coming back from a broken leg game.
    • 2015:  Seahawks blew it.
    • 2017:  Falcons blew it.

WHERE IS Brady’s Super Bowl/career iconic MOMENT?!?!  Is it the comeback vs the Falcons?  That’s more of a Falcons moment than a Brady moment, right?

AFP C0 BACKHIT PATRIOTS 21 NFL AMERICAN FOOTBALL USA MA
New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (C) takes a hit from Charles Woodson (R) of the Oakland Raiders on a pass attempt in the last two minutes of the game in their AFC playoff 19 January 2002 in Foxboro, Massachusetts. The Patriots won 16-13 in overtime. AFP PHOTO/Matt CAMPBELL ORG XMIT: BOS017

10. Boston Celtics.  ONE title in the last 31 years.


Top 10 Pieces of Advice from How to Be a Man, in No Particular Order

  1. Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row … unless something really good comes up on the third night.
  2. Join Twitter; become your own curator of information.
  3. Never date an ex of your friend.
  4. When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
  5. People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
  6. You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments.
  7. Staying angry is a waste of energy.
  8. Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.
  9. Don’t gamble if losing $100 is going to piss you off.
  10. Start every cell conversation with ‘my phone’s about to die’ so people don’t waste your time.
  11. You don’t have to like baseball, but you should understand the concept of what a pitcher’s ERA means. Approach life similarly.

Top 10 Instagram Girls to Follow, According to @nolanimamura

  1. Helen Owen
  2. Sofia Jamora
  3. Dominique Elissa
  4. Hailey Baldwin
  5. Camila Morrone
  6. Anna Herrin
  7. Hannah Palmer
  8. Roosmarijn de Kok
  9. Olivia Culpo
  10. Danielle Grace

Whew, that was tough.  My picks for Week 10 in bold:

Lions (+6) at Bears

Taking the Bears here is a sucker’s pick and I”ll tell you why.

Reason 1:  Look at the Bears’ wins this season:  Seahawks, Cardinals, Bucs, Jets, and Bills!  They have a combined record of 14-28.

Reason 2:  IF the Bears do take care of business, this has all the makings for a back-door cover game.

Reason 3:  Mitchell Trubisky.  I’m taking the Lions +6.

Saints at Bengals (+4.5)

Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh this is my upset alert pick of the week.  Cincinnati has a high of 46 degrees on Sunday.  That’s not COLD, but for a dome team from New Orleans, that’s pretty cold.  The Saints are also coming off a big win vs the Rams last weekend and they just signed Dez Bryant.  My Dez Bryant odds for this weekend:

  • Dez Bryant TD +110
  • Over 100 yards +5000
  • Meltdown -250
  • Dropped pass -500
  • Comes out in a Cowboys uniform -800

PS:  That Michael Thomas TD celebration was fantastic. 10/10.

Falcons (-3.5) at Browns

Why is this line only Falcons -3.5??  Let’s take a deep dive.  Queue the Inspector Gadget music!  Ok, I’m done. I can’t figure out why the Falcons are only -3.5!!  I know the Browns are at home and you never want to bet against the home dogs, but these are the Browns we’re talking about!  Am I a sucker for taking the Falcons -3.5??  Yes, but the Falcons need to win this game.  They can’t afford to drop games they’re supposed to win anymore.

Patriots (-6) at Titans

I have one rule when I gamble: never bet against Alabama and never bet against the Patriots.  I just don’t do it. I’ve been burned way too many times.  Am I confident the Patriots will cover this spread vs the Titans?  No, because the last time Belichick went against one of his former coaches, the Patriots got burned.  Vrabel vs Belicheck.  Brady vs Mariota.  I’m taking the Patriots for those reasons.

Jaguars (+3) at Colts

The Jaguars are coming off a bye week they DESPERATELY needed.  The Jaguars are 3-5, but look at the rest of their schedule:

  • at Colts
  • home vs Steelers
  • at Bills
  • home vs Colts
  • at Titans
  • home vs Redskins
  • at Miami
  • at Houston

The Jaguars can be the second half team of this season, rip through that schedule, and go 6-2 to finish the season at 9-7.  9-7 might be enough to win the division.  Can you name another Colts WR besides TY Hilton?   I can’t.  Can you name a single Colts defensive player?  I can’t.

Cardinals at Chiefs (-17)

-17?!?!?!  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a team in the NFL lay 17 points.  I need to double check this because there’s no way an NFL team is favored by 17 points.  Ok I lied, it’s Chiefs -16.  Can we really take the Chiefs -16 effin points here?  We have to right?  Especially since it’s at home.  Especially since it’s vs the Cardinals.

Bills (+8) at Jets

Oh God, what a game.  If the Bills and Jets combined teams and we called them the New York Bills, what would their record be?  They would be a playoff team right?  I don’t think the Jets are 8 points better than the Bills, but fuckin Nate Peterman is their starting QB.  Darnold is going to miss this game with a foot injury which mean that the Jets are firing up a 69-year-old Josh McCown this week.  I can’t believe I’m doing this, but 8 points is too much.  Take the points when you don’t know.  I’ll take the Bills, gulp.  Is this the worst game in NFL history?

Redskins at Buccaneers (PK)

Bucs at home for the following reason:

Chargers (-10) at Raiders

Feels like one of these types of games – 1st Quarter Summary:

  • Melvin Gordon to the left for 12 yard TOUCHDOWN run
  • Derek Carr 14 yard pass -INTERCEPTED
  • Melvin Gordon to the right for 6 yard TOUCHDOWN run
  • Derek Carr 7 yard pass – INTERCEPTED
  • Melvin Gordon up the middle for 4 yard TOUCHDOWN run

Dolphins at Packers (-7.5)

If you’re a Packers fan, aren’t you QUIETLY kind of worried about this team?  Your three wins are against the Bears, Bills, and 49ers.  If the Packers lose this game, Mike McCarthy is fired.  But there’s just no way an Aaron Rodgers team loses to a Brock Osweiler team.  Just no way A-Rodg lets that happen.  This might be the game Packers fans go from, “Should we fire Mike McCarthy” to “We need to fire Mike McCarthy”.

Seahawks at Rams (-9.5)

I BELEIEVE IN YOU MARCUS PETERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MARCUS PETERS GAME WINNING/SAVING INTERCEPTION IN THE PLAYOFFS.

Cowboys at Eagles (-6)

It’s unbelievable how badly the Cowboys fucked this up.  It’s no secret that underpaid quarterbacks on rookie contracts have become the most important building block in the NFL.  The Cowboys had that and more in Dak Prescott who earned roughly half of what the Cowboys were paying their punter.  The Cowboys Super Bowl window looked MASSIVE after their 13-3 season in 2016.  They had the best line in football and two of the youngest stars at the QB and RB positions.  But the 2016 Cowboys team couldn’t feel farther away.  They failed to surround Dak with anybody who could be considered a weapon in the passing game, Jason Garrett remains the Cowboys’ coach,  and Jerry Jones continues to treat the Cowboys like they’re Super Bowl contenders.

What’s next for the Cowboys?  Will they get rid of Jason Garrett?  What will they do with Prescott, who is eligible for an extension after this season?  What about their defense?  What about that potential top 10 draft pick they traded away for Amari Cooper?  Will Jerry Jones get out of the way?  The Cowboys are a dumpster fire right now.

Eagles -6?!?!?!  I don’t like this bet, I FUCKIN LOVE IT.  Here’s the thing- Vegas set this odd at 6 to sucker all the stupid Cowboys fans into this bet.  “Hey we’re getting six points vs the Eagles?  We always play the Eagles TOUGH!  We’re Division rivals!”  That’s what every Cowboys fan thinks of this line.  Sean Lee is out for the Cowboys this weekend, shocker I know.  Ezekiel Elliiot only has THREE rushing touchdowns this year, including ONE in the past six weeks.  Jason Garrett is still the Cowboys’ coach.  Jerry Jones is still the Cowboys’ owner.  What else do you need?  I think the Eagles win by at least two touchdowns at home on Sunday Night Football.

Giants at 49ers (-2.5)

Coin flip: heads I go Giants, tails I go Niners.  It’s heads, alright Niners it is.

Last week: 5-5 (12-11 overall)

NFL Week 9 Picks: Power Rankings

I’ll be honest with you, I hate movies.  Movies stink.  I’ve seen MAYBE 10 movies in theaters in the past ten years.  They’re just WAY too long for me, and I don’t like freezing my ass off in some shitty seat at the theaters.

But for some reason, people effin love movie quotes.  People rattle off movie quotes all the time and I usually have no idea what they’re saying or what they’re referring to.  It’s honestly a gift.  That’s why I had to google “top 100 movie quotes of all time” to help me with this column.  I’ve seen MAYBE three movies on this list. If you’ve seen more than 20 movies on this list, you need to get a life.

It’s Week 9 of the NFL season.  We’re already halfway through the season.  I just had a mini panic attack thinking about it.  These are my power rankings following Week 8, along with a movie quote for each team:

32. Oakland Raiders: “After all, tomorrow is another day.” – Gone with the Wind

Three picks in the first round of next year’s draft.  It’s so obvious what the Raiders are trying to do- they’re tanking now and hoping they can LOAD up for their first season in Vegas.  Expectations are HIGH after what the Golden Knights did in Vegas their first year.  Where can I get “Gruden won’t make it to Vegas” odds?  I consider myself a “next coach to get fired” EXPERT after my Hue pick.  I have odds at +200 right now.

31. NY Giants: “You can’t handle the truth!” – A Few Good Men

You can’t handle the truth, you’re an absolute dumpster fire.  The Giants are ass; no other way to put it.  I’m sorry.  What if  I told you 6/8 games have been decided by seven points or less though?  Maybe the Giants aren’t that bad?  HAHAHAHA yea right.

30. San Francisco 49ers: “Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!” – Sons of the Desert

Poor Kyle Shanahan.  Remember everyone’s “dark horse pick” at the start of the season?  The ridiculous “Are the 49ers the Best Team in the NFC West” headline from the Mercury News?  I know, Jimmy GQ got hurt, but that was silly.  Stay woke though- another high draft pick and next year people can double down on their “dark horse” 49ers pick.

29. Arizona Cardinals: “Here’s looking at you, kid.” – Casablanca

The Rosen One. The kid’s looked alright so far.  I am going to ride with Josh Rosen til I die.  I will die on Julius Randle Hill and Josh Rosen Hill.  The Cardinals are going to use this year to see what they have in Josh Rosen.  They’re 2-6 and both their wins came against the 49ers.  If both teams are tied for the worst record at the end of the season, the Cardinals should get the first pick.  Wait, I have a brilliant idea- what if they played for the first pick?!  Winner gets the first pick. It can be the Thursday night game before the playoffs start.  This might be my best idea ever.

28. Buffalo Bills: “What a dump.” – Beyond the Forest

Seriously, what a dump.

27. NY Jets: “Sawyer, you’re going out a youngster, but you’ve got to come back a star!” – 42nd Street

It’s all about Darnold, but the Jets are a SNEAKY 3-5 right now.  Can they finish the year .500?  It’s possible.

Week 9: at Miami (DON’T GO OUT, YOU CAN WIN THIS GAME)

Week 10: home vs Buffalo

Week 12: home vs New England

Week 13: at Tennessee

Week 14: at Buffalo

Week 15: home vs Houston

Week 16: home vs Packers

Week 17: at New England

I’m not saying it’s going to happen, but they have a chance.

26. Cleveland Browns: “Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?” – Little Caesar

The end of Hue….. it finally happened.  I am legit upset. Thanks for the memories, Hue.  We’ll miss you.  It’s the end of Hue Jackson in the NFL but the start of ESPN Huey.  Sometimes we need to go backward before we can go forward.

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: “Listen to me, mister. You’re my knight in shining armor. Don’t you forget it. You’re going to get back on that horse, and I’m going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we’re gonna go, go, go!” – On Golden Pond

FITZMAGIC IS BACK!!!!!!  Winston threw four interceptions vs the Bengals last weekend, and the Bucs should be done with him.  Fitzmagic went 2-1 during Winston’s suspension and he’s back in action this Sunday.  HE IS TAMPA’S knight in shining armor.  NOW GET BACK ON THE HORSE!

24. Denver Broncos: “Fasten your seatbelt, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” – All About Eve

The Broncos won the Super Bowl three years ago.  Doesn’t that Super Bowl feel like it was 10 years ago?  $36 million for two years on Case Keenum was RIDICULOUS.  They should have never legalized marijuana in Denver.  When does Elway get fired?

23. Miami Dolphins: “There’s no place like home.” – The Wizard of OZ

3-1 at home and 1-3 on the road.  The Miami nightlife stays undefeated, man.

22. Jacksonville Jaguars: “You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.” – On the Waterfront

Ohhhhhhhhhhh boy.  The poor Jags. What the hell happened??  They’re 3-5, last in the division, and Blake Bortles is still their QB.  In the past four games, their “defense” has given up a total of 114 points for an average of 32 points per game!  The Jags were ONE BLOWN CALL away from the Super Bowl last year.  This isn’t talked about enough.  The refs cheated the Jags.  Why wasn’t Myles Jack allowed to return this ball back??

Can the defense get their mojo back?  Can Blake be better than Blake?  Will Leonard Fournette play football this year?

21. Tennessee Titans: “Why don’t you come up sometime and see me?” – She Done Him Wrong

Grow a pair of balls and sit at the big boy table.  Mariota has been OK his whole career; the Titans have been OK the past ten years.  3-4 this year after starting the year 3-1.  C’mon, it’s time for the Titans to step up.

20. Dallas Cowboys: “I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.” – The Godfather

A first-round pick for Amari Cooper.  I can’t fuckin get over it.  Imagine Jerry Jones just getting pissed the fuck off because the Raiders won’t deal him Amari Cooper.  He then finally screams, “I’M GOING TO MAKE HIM AN OFFER HE CANT REFUSE!  FIRST ROUND-PICK FOR AMARI COOPER!!!!!”  I’m 100% positive that’s exactly how it happened.

19. Atlanta Falcons: “I’ll be back.” – The Terminator

They’ll be back.  People assumed the Falcons were dead after their 1-4 start, but they’ve won 2 straight and they’re still alive.  Dead, but they’re breathing.  Next three games:  at Washington, at Cleveland, and home vs Dallas.  The Falcons can be 6-4 heading into their showdown with the Saints on Thanksgiving night.

18. Detroit Lions: “My mama always said, life is like a box of chocolates.” – Forrest Gump

You never know what’s going to happen next with the Lions.  I mentioned this in last week’s picks, but look at their wins compared to their losses.  Makes no sense at all.  But guess what?  They’re 5-2 ATS- second best in the league!  How is that possible?

17. Seattle Seahawks: “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.” – Animal Crackers

The Seahawks are 4-3 this year.  And with that roster, I have no idea how.  After starting the year 0-2, they are 4-1 in their last five.  But look at Seattle’s ROS.  They still have games vs the Rams, Packers, Panthers, Vikings, and Chiefs.  YIKES.

16. Chicago Bears:I’m the King of the world!” – Titanic

The Bears are in FIRST place of the NFC North!!!!  They’re the King of the NFC NORTH!

img_7210

15. Indianapolis Colts: “Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac…It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!” – Caddyshack

Andrew Luck is back and it’s a miracle!!!  The AFC South is an absolute shitstorm and any of the four teams in that division can win the division.  Why not the team with the best QB?

14. Washington Redskins:Yo Adrian!” – Rocky

YO ADRIAN PETERSON WTF.  WELCOME BACK!!!  33 years old and coming off a season-high 149 rushing yards on 26 carries, including a 64 yard TD.   He’s fifth in the NFL with 587 rushing yards and ranks third in the league with 279 rushing yards after first contact.

YO ADRIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

13. Houston Texans: “Oh, Jerry, don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the stars.” – Now, Voyager

Deshaun Watson.  STAR.

Deandre Hopkins.  DOUBLE STAR.

JJ Watt. STAR.

Jadeveon Clowney. Half a star??

Maybe “Houston, we have a problem” would’ve been a better pick here, but that’s just too fuckin corny.

12. Green Bay Packers: “Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.” – The Pride of the Yankees

That’s how every man should feel in the Packers organization.  Mike Mccarthy is the luckiest man on earth.  Rodgers has saved his ass so many times I can’t even keep track of it.  What are the odds McCarthy gets fired at the end of the season?  Can I place a bet on that?  I consider myself a “which coach will get fired” savant now.

11. Cincinnati Bengals: “Plastics.” – The Graduate

Plastics.  Fake good team.  It happens every year with the Bengals.  They make the postseason by one game or miss the postseason by one game.  Never a serious threat.  Plastics.  They still have games AT Baltimore, AT Cleveland, and AT Pittsburgh.  Those AFC North divison games are tough, especially away from home.

10. Philadelphia Eagles: “Snap out of it!” – Moonstruck

Super Bowl hangover, it happens.  Can the Eagles snap out of it and find their groove by December, or will they ride this hangover into the off-season?  Carson Wentz looks good again, by the way.

9. Baltimore Ravens: “It’s alive! It’s alive!” – Frankenstein

The Ravens defense is alive and it’s back.  Joe Flacco looks decent- highest rating since 2014!  Are the Ravens back???

8. Pittsburgh Steelers: “Show me the money!” – Jerry Maguire

SHOW Le’veon the money!!!! Actually, don’t.  Screw Le’veon.  SHOW JAMES CONNOR THE FUCKIN MONEY!!!!!

7. L.A. Chargers: “Is it safe?” – Marathon Man

Is it safe to label the Chargers a good team?  Are we 100% they’re a good team?  Is it really safe?  The Chargers are 5-2 and their two losses came to the Rams and Chiefs (both losses were by double digits).  Their 5 wins came against the Bills, 49ers, Raiders, Browns, and Titans who have a combined record of 8-28-1.  I don’t think it’s safe to label the Chargers as a legit team, YET.

6. Minnesota Vikings: “Wait a min wait a min you ain’t heard nothing yet.” – The Jazz Singer

Is this too high for a team that’s 4-3-1?  Yes, but I’m telling you the Vikings are going to be there at the end of the season.  They’ve missed their best defensive player for pretty much the entire game and they’ve been crushed by injuries.  Just look at last week’s game vs the Saints:

Offense

RB: Latavius Murray for Dalvin Cook

LG: Danny Isidora for Tom Compton

LT: Rashod Hill for Riley Reiff

RT: Brian O’Neill for Rashod Hill

Defense

LB: Eric Wilson for Anthony Barr

CB: Holton Hill for Xavier Rhodes

S: George Iloka for Andrew Sendejo

Are you kidding me?  Two of their three losses came to the two best teams in the NFL- Rams and Saints.  Let’s not even talk about the Bills game cause who the fuck knows what happened there.  When and IF this Vikings team gets healthy, look out.

5. Carolina Panthers: “Say hello to my little friend.” – Scarface

Cam went out and just dominated the best defense in the league.  21/29 for 219 yards and 2 touchdowns and 52 rushing yards for 1 TD.  Cam Newton is playing like an MVP again but better.  He has more touchdowns, fewer interceptions, and a higher completion percentage through seven games than he did in his MVP season in 2015.  He’s also the best dressed player in the NFL.  Drip drip drip.

And say hello to Cam’s little friend, Christian McCaffrey is averaging nearly 20 touches per game for the Panthers…. and DJ Moore might turn into something.  Keep sleeping on the Panthers.

4. New England Patriots: “Round up the usual suspects.” – Casablanca

It’s honestly bullshit.  Patrtiots are always in the cut because of Brady, Belichick, and being in the worst division in sports.  It’s the perfect recipe.  The Patriots are luckier than New Orleans in the fact that Drew Brees didn’t sign with the Dolphins.  FACTS.

3. Kansas City Chiefs: “My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you.” – Yankee Doodle Dandy

7-1 ATS.  The Chiefs are 7-1 against the spread. Absolutely bonkers.  That’s why my mother thanks them, my father thanks them, my sister thanks them, I thank them, and my bank account thanks them.  I’ve been riding the Chiefs all year and I’m going to ride them til I get burned.  If it ain’t broke, dont fix it.  THANK YOU KANSAS CITY.

Fantasy Football Rankings:

QB: Pat Mahomes: QB 1

RB: Kareem Hunt: RB 6

WR: Tyreke Hill: WR 2

TE: Travis Kelce: TE 2

EVERYONE, say thank you to the Chiefs.

2. New Orleans Saints: “Well, nobody’s perfect.” – Some Like it Hot

After an 0-2 0-1 start, the Saints look like the team we all expected them to be.  They showed up for what was supposed to be a big time game on Sunday night at Minnesota (it really wasn’t).  Saints next four games:  home vs Rams, at Cincinnati, home vs the Eagles, and home vs the Falcons. If they can go 3-1 there, look out.

1. L.A. Rams: “Made it ma, top of the world!” – White Heat

The Rams are the best team in football.  They made it, they made it to the top of the world.  Now it’s all about staying at the top of the world.  Can the Rams go 16-0?  Why the fuck not?  The only thing that can stop the Rams right now is some stupid injury *knock on wood* and Marcus Peters.  Kidding, I love you Marcus Peters.  You can get burned all year as long as you make a play in the playoffs. I BE-LIE-VE IN YOU!


My Picks for Week 9:

Chiefs (-8.5) at Browns

The Browns don’t even have a real coach.  Oh wait….

img_7211

Chiefs in a BLOW OUT.  Gregg Williams is such an idiot.

Jets at Dolphins (-3)

Miami nightlife doesn’t lose.  Riding with the Dolphins and Brock Osweiler.  What a mistake.

Lions at Vikings (-6.5)

DEEEEEETROOOOOOIT BASKETBALL. I just felt like typing and saying that.  Taking the Lions and the points.  I don’t trust the Vikings- YET.

Falcons at Redskins (-2.5)

Redskins are a QUIET 5-2 this season.  Taking the R words -2.5 at home vs the Falcons.

Buccaneers at Panthers (-5.5)

FITZMAGIC is back. I can’t bet against him, can I?  This feels like a trap, funky NFC South game.  Panthers are coming off a big win vs Baltimore, it’s a division game, and they have a Thursday night game vs the Steelers next week.  I’m taking the points and Fitz.

Steelers at Ravens (-3)

Ravens won the first meeting between the two teams, so I’m taking the Steelers here.

Texans at Broncos (Pick ’em)

Demayrius Thomas revenge game!  How funny is it that he got traded to the Texans yesterday and they play this weekend?  Taking the Texans and the DT juju.

Chargers at Seahawks (-2.5)

Oh GOD, is it SAFE?!?!?  Is it safe to take the Chargers here?!  My brain says yes but my heart is telling me no.  This has such a classic, “Chargers are good this year but they’ll lose this game” feel to it.  BUT I’M RIDING WITH THE CHARGERS AND THE POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rams at Saints (-2.5)

Rams.  Rams all day.  If the Rams win this game, I am booking my flight to the Super Bowl.

Packers at Patriots (-6.5)

Brady vs Rodgers.  We heard it all week.  Give me the points with Aaron Rodgers.  Going to throw all over that Patriots defense. Fuck the Patriots.

Last Week: 7-6

NFL Week 8 Picks: How I Won the Mega Millions Last Night

5 – 28 – 62 – 65 – 70 – 5

Those five numbers fucked me last night.  Six stupid ping pong balls just changed someone’s life FOREVER.  I’ll admit, I’m a sucker.  My friends and I fell for the trap.  We’re balls deep, and the lottery has us by our balls.  I might as well be a ping pong ball now.  We went and bought Mega Million tickets this past week.  What a bunch of suckers.  But c’mon, it was stupid not to.  1 BILLION DOLLARS?!?! The odds of winning the jackpot?  1 in 302,575,250.  The Bills, Cardinals, and 49ers all have 5000 – 1 odds to win the Super bowl this year.  5000 – 1!!!!!  You literally have no shot at winning the lottery.

Am I a sucker?  Yes.  Will I win?  Probably not (more on this later), but it’s the best $10 investment out there.  It’s worth every dollar.  Hell, I would pay $10 for one ticket.  $10 for a SHOT at $1 billion?!  Are you kidding me? Get out of town.  I get what you are thinking, 1 in 302,575,250. I’m literally throwing money away.  But I wasn’t raised that way.  I wasn’t raised to quit before I tried.  I was raised to be bold, raised to take chances-  I was raised to take risks!  I have a CHANCE at $1 billion effin dollars?  Are you kidding me?!?!  Sign me the eff up.  Seriously, why wouldn’t I try?!  You have to at least give it a shot.  I’m not going to lie,  I was COCKY going into the lottery.  I was feeling it.  I thought we were going to win last night.  I thought my life was going to change.  I even googled “what to do after you win the lottery.”  I WAS FEELING COCKY AND CONFIDENT.  I legit thought I was going to win 1 BILLION DOLLARS LAST NIGHT.

Obviously, I didn’t win because I’m here writing this stupid blog.

The $10 investment is worth every dollar and I’ll tell you why.  Four of my closest friends and I split a ticket.  $2 each.  At one point, we all believed that we were going to win.  That high was worth $2.  We legit thought we had it in the bag.  We were all pumped up.  For about six hours we all thought, “this is going to fuckin happen, we’re gonna be fuckin millionaires tonight.  These are our last hours as PEASANTS.  WHY NOT US!?”  Someone has to win, so we kept asking ourselves, “WHY NOT US?!?!”  We also talked about what we would do if we won a BILLION DOLLARS. Here’s a couple of the best PG-rated texts:


Person A:  What are we doing tonight if we win?

Person B:  I’m flying out.

Person C: We’ll meet in Miami.

Person D:  We going straight to Ibiza gonna drop like 25K easy, real quick.


Person B:  I would become the younger, taller Dan Bilzerian.


Person C: Do you remember when I was pumped to get a job at ______.  We were in the BMW on the way to Westwood or Northridge.  I was hype as fuck for like 11 bucks an hour.  Crazy.


Person D:  I just saw Sinbad at the airport, we are definitely winning.


Person A:  What chicks DM you sliding in after we win?

Person B:  You want my top 3 or top 5?

Person B: 

1. Sofia Jamora

2.  Kara Jewell

3. Katya Elise Henry

4. Summer Ray

5. Helen Owen

6. Kendall Jenner

No particular order.


Person B:  I did the math and it’s like 180-190 million each.

Person A:  See, you’re thinking about it!

Person B:  I know fuck lol.

Person C:  Same odds of getting your dick bitten off by a shark in a lake.

Person E:  WHY NOT US?!


Person A:  What’s your first purchase?

Person C: Flights.

Person E:  Yeah, flight then I’m buying some toys on the way back home.

Person B: Four-day trip to Ibiza.  First class.

Person E: Actually fuck it, I’m never going back home.  4 days?!?! How about 14?

Person B:  I go hard enough, 4 days is plenty.


Person C:  It’s why the lottery exists, it’s a scam.

Person A:  Don’t bring that negative energy to the ping pong balls.

Person C:  Yo, don’t blame me. I have bad luck and you know this.  I couldn’t even win a three-man lottery for first pick in fantasy football this year.

Person E:  Fuck, that’s the best thing going for us. 28 years of bad luck.

Person C:  Saved it up for one moment.


Person E: Yo if we win, we’re not telling anybody.  We’ll just bounce and live the good life for two weeks, then maybe start telling people.  I get so excited thinking about winning.

Person A:  WHY NOT US!?


Person C:  Ey we gotta make sure no one goes off the rails once we win.

Person E:  Fuck dude, let’s fuckin win.

Person C: I literally can’t focus at work.

E: Speak it into existence.

Person C: Yo everyone chill, I was so worked up and I finally just relaxed.  I almost walked out of work; I was legit pregame hype.


You’re telling me you read that and didn’t think, oh these m-fers are going to win tonight.  We seriously thought we had it in the bag.  We thought it was our lottery.  Don’t even draw the balls.  Draw five ping pong balls with our faces printed on them.  That’s how confident I felt going into the draw last night.

We didn’t win (smh – still pissed), but for half a day we got to think like MILLIONAIRES.  Honestly, just thinking about the chance of becoming millionaires was worth the game ticket.  Pay $2 and you get to DREAM BIG and you have a CHANCE at a billion dollars.  What a fuckin deal.  Only in America- I love this country.  And guess what else? You can bet your ass I will be playing the lottery for the rest of life.  And you should too. It only takes ONE time.  Six stupid ping pongs balls can change your life forever.  Seriously,  WHY NOT US?!?!?!

PS:  I also don’t know why my friends are so addicted to the idea of Ibiza.  We would all be dead after day two.


Here are my picks for Week 8:

Eagles vs Jaguars (+3)

Blake Bortles in London.  You know what that means- it’s time to believe in Blake and the Jaguars.  LONDON BORTLES IS ABOUT TO GO OFF.

Bortles last 3 seasons in London:

W-L: 3-0

Team PPG: 36.0

TD-INT: 8-1

I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I am going with London Bortles and the Jags!!!!  How can you pick against him?  Does he become the best QB in the league if the Jaguars move to London?  Stay woke on UK Bortles.

Ravens vs Panthers (+2)

Joe Flacco buying a mattress from Sean Payton’s brother is an all-time head scratcher.  The Panthers are coming off a great win vs the Eagles, and the Ravens are coming off a tough loss vs the Saints.  I’m taking the Panthers at home.  Always take the home dog.

Broncos vs Chiefs (-10)

The Chiefs are 7-0 ATS this season, and the Broncos stink.  This line should be closer to 14.  I STILL can’t believe the Broncos paid Case Keenum $36 million.  I’m rolling with Andy Reid even though he fucked me last week.  It was such a classic Andy Reid move that I can’t even be mad about it.

Browns (+8) vs Steelers

huey.jpg

How many games does Coach Hue have left in him?  I used to hate on Hue Jackson, but I’m in love with the guy.  I honestly feel bad that I put money on him to be the first NFL coach fired; I don’t even want the money if I win.  He is my favorite coach right now to be honest.  It’s going to be a sad day for Cleveland when he gets fired, almost as sad as the day Lebron left.  It breaks my heart to think about it.  AND FOR THAT REASON I’M TAKING HUEY AND THE BROWNS THIS WEEKEND vs the Steelers.  I know the Steelers are coming off a bye week, but I believe in Hue!  His job is on the line and his players know it!  I hope he gets so fired up that he rips the play calling duties from Hayley in the second quarter of the game.  We deserve one more Huey moment before he’s forced out of town.  I know someone brought this up, but why couldn’t Hard Knocks follow the Browns for the entire season?

Close your eyes and imagine this scene: John Dorsey walks into Hue’s office wearing his classic outfit with the Browns’ dog trailing right behind him.  Dorsey fires Hue on the spot, and they both start crying.  Dorsey hugs Hue and says, “I’m sorry man, I love you.  I’m here for you no matter what.”  The cameras go black then cut to Hue leaving the office with Anna Kendrick (*”Cups- When I’m Gone” playing in the background.*)

I’ve got my ticket for the long way round.  Two bottle whiskey for the way and I sure would like some sweet company and I’m leaving tomorrow what’d you say?  When I’m gone, when I’m gone you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone you’re gonna miss me by my hair you’re gonna miss me everywhere oh you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.

I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING.

Seahawks (+3) vs Lions

wilson tate.png

Lions wins this season:  Patriots, Packers, and Dolphins.

Lions losses this season:  Jets, Cowboys, and 49ers.

I’ve never been so confused in my life.  I don’t like to bet against Russell Wilson so I’m taking the points here.  The real story-line of this game is Russell Wilson vs Golden Tate.  Don’t forget that Russell Wilson’s ex-wife cheated on him with Golden Tate.  Talk about the ultimate revenge game!

Buccaneers (+4.5) vs Bengals

The Bengals are my “fake good team” for this season.  People keep hyping this Bengals team, but we see this from them every year.  They got murdered on Sunday night by the Chiefs.  This has “classic upset trap game” written all over it.  Coming off an embarrassing loss sandwiched between a big game vs the Saints next weekend-  classic trap game recipe.  Tastes like an upset.  WHAT DOES A W TASTE LIKE JAMEIS?!?!?!?!

jameis w.jpg

Jets (+7) vs Bears

I will never bet on Mitchell Trubisky ever again.  I have learned my lesson.  That is a promise to myself and that is a promise to you, America.  Let’s get #Trubiskytrap trending.  Let’s make it real a thing.  I will never bet on the Bears as long as Trubisky is their QB.  Trubisky -7?!?!  I have ZERO faith.

Redskins (-1)  vs Giants

The Giants are GARBAGE.  They’re obviously in full tank mode.  I can’t believe some people thought this team was going to go .500 this year.  That was the easiest $100 bet of my life.  Thank you Mike Chere.

Colts (-3) vs Raiders

COLTS – 3 LOCK IT UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEYS.  THE RAIDERS’ PLAYERS ARE GOING TO THROW THIS GAME!  I guarantee you.  The locker room hates Derek Carr because he cried last weekend.  They also hate Jon Gruden.  Why wouldn’t the Raiders’ players throw this game to make a statement?  It makes too much sense.

49ers vs Cardinals (+1)

Serious question:  would you go to this game if someone offered you free tickets?  I don’t think I would.  I swear to God these teams just played two weeks ago… I just checked and they played three weeks ago.  WINNER of this game gets the first pick in next year’s draft?  Now that would be fun.  Deal?  Deal.

Packers vs Rams (-9.5)

The Packers stink.  They STINK.  I know, I read all about it.  I read the “Packers vs Rams Spread Features Aaron Rodgers’ Biggest Underdog Odds of Career” headlines, but I don’t give a fooooook.  Donald, Suh, and Brockers are going to destroy Rodgers this weekend.  I can’t wait for this game.  I’ve been looking forward to this game all season.  I already have a W next to this game on the Rams’ schedule posted at my desk.  Rams 40-10. It’s going to get UGLY…..

Saints vs Vikings

diggggs.jpg

What a treat on Sunday night before Halloween.  We’re going to have to set up two TVs in the living room this weekend because I need to watch this game and Game 5 of the World Series.  People are acting like the World Series is over.  Give me a break, I’m not scared of this Boston team at all.  They got lucky in Game 1.  They caught every break that game.  Fuckin Joe Buck comparing them to the Warriors last night was classic Joe Buck.  Get the fuck out of here.  I was terrified of the Astros last year but c’mon, you want me to be scared of this Sox team?  I have never felt more confident about a series.  Dodgers in 7.

Back to football. Everyone remembers last year’s game.  Everyone remembers last year’s play.  I also remember Saints fans feeling sorry for Marcus Williams after he missed that tackle on Diggs. I don’t care if he’s a rookie, that’s what he gets paid to do.  You cannot miss a tackle like that in the playoffs.  There were no excuses for that play- he fucked up.  The Vikings are rolling right now and that stadium is going to be rocking on Sunday night.  I’m honestly surprised that this is a pick em.  Feels like it should be closer to Vikings -3.

Patriots (-14) vs Bills

I don’t care if it’s Derek Anderson or Nate Pederman this weekend.  I honestly feel disrespected by the NFL.  How dare they put a game like this on Monday Night Football.  How dare they waste a Monday Night game for this.  They should have at least scheduled the Rams vs Packers game for Monday night.  It would have been amazing to embarrass Aaron Rodgers on national television. Who thought this was going to be a good game when they made the schedule?  Seriously, who the fuck did this??  I am on a man hunt to find this person.  No one gives a crap about the Bills and Bills Mafia.  Bills Mafia was funny for about two days.

I have to bring up something from last Monday’s game.  Jason Witten is awful.  He literally said Cole Beasely stretches the field for the Cowboys.  Am I missing something?  What the hell is he talking about???

2018 NFL QB Trade Value Part II

If you missed Part 1 from last month, or need a detailed refresher regarding the rules:

2018 NFL QB Trade Value Part I

Here we go with Part II.  Enjoy.

Group C:  “No, BUT we can talk about it as long as no one hears about it.”

17.  Alex Smith: $18 million

Former #1 overall pick Alex Smith.  On his third team in 14 seasons.  I know what you’re thinking,  “Alex Smith is a bust.  Alex Smith is average at best.  He’s just a game manager.”  But guys, Alex Smith is really good.  He’s 90-63-1 as a starting QB, and since 2010 he’s 70-32 as a starting QB!  He hasn’t had a losing record since 2010.  He has a better winning percentage than Drew Brees, Philip Rivers, Eli Manning, Cam Newton, and Matt Stafford!

I feel bad for Alex Smith.  In 2012, Jim Harbaugh decided to roll with Kaepernick and he took that team to the Super Bowl.  This year, the Chiefs decided to move on with Mahomes (for obvious reasons) and he’s taken that team to ANOTHER LEVEL.  Poor Alex Smith.  I feel like this storyline has the potential to be a Netflix Original.

Did you know he holds the record for most passes to start a season without throwing an interception?  287 passes without throwing an interception in 2017.

16.  Philip Rivers: $22 million

Pop quiz:  Does Philip Rivers have more Pro Bowl appearances or kids?  Answer:  Kids- he has 8 kids compared to 7 Pro Bowl appearances.  8 kids… shooters shoot, I guess.  He’s only 6 kids away from tying Antonio Cromartie’s all-time NFL Record for kids!

After being drafted 4th overall by the Giants and being traded to San Diego (thinking about that Eli draft moment still makes me cringe) he sat (and probably bitched) behind Drew Brees for two years.  After Brees signed with Miami New Orleans, Rivers led the Chargers to a 14-2 record in his first season as a starter.  Since being named the starter, Philip Rivers has never missed a game for the Chargers (no wonder he has 8 kids).  196 straight games without missing a game and has never thrown for at least 20 touchdowns in every season.  I know Eli has two Super Bowls, but can we all agree that Philip Rivers has had a better career numbers wise?

Eli Manning:  112-106 record, 60% completion percentage, 52,482 yards, 342 TDs, 229 INTs, 83.7 passer rating.

Philip Rivers:  108-88 record, 64.3% completion percentage, 51,504 yards, 353 TDs, 168 INTs, 95.2 passer rating.

In 2007, Rivers played six days after a knee scope on a torn ACL against the Pats in the AFC Championship game.  He played with a torn ACL.  I’ll never forget that game; I’ll also think of Ladaian Tomlinson every time I think of that game. LT sat on the sidelines the entire game with his helmet and hood on because his knee was fucked up.  It was the worst body language display from an athlete I’ve ever seen.  He looked like he was warming up to be an extra in the next Star Wars movie.

sd-sp-pfd-lt-afc-championship-chargers-0810.jpg

15.  Matt Stafford: $26.5 million

I love this clip of Matt Stafford –  it’s maybe one of my favorite clips ever.  Matt Stafford will have my respect forever for this.

But did you know Matt Stafford has zero playoff wins as a starting QB?  I didn’t.  There’s no excuse for that.  Stafford is good enough to get his team to the playoffs and win a playoff game for them.  Still only 30 years old, Stafford will win a playoff game before his career is over.  If not, at least he can have the title of best QB without a playoff win.

Crazy Matt Stafford records:

  • He was the first player in NFL History to complete 60% or more of all passes in each game in a season.  Whoa.
  • Fastest player to reach 15,000/20,000/25,000/30,000 career passing yards.
  • Fastest player to reach 3,000 completions.

I guess it’s easy to break those records when you have Calvin Johnson on your team.

calvin.gif

14.  Kirk Cousins: $27 million

$27 million a year for Kirk Cousins.  There’s nothing wrong with Kirk Cousins, but $27 million… eeeeek!  Is Captain Kirk a top-10 QB right now?  I think so.  But The Vikings are paying him a fully-guaranteed $84 million over three years.  That’s going ALL in with your team.  People talk about the Rams window, but what about the Vikings?  You know what’s weird?  The Redskins drafted RGIII with the first overall pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. Then with the 102nd pick, they drafted Kirk Cousins.  What do you think RGIII was thinking?   Has that ever happened before?  Poor Redskin fans ; they thought they had a franchise QB in RGIII after his rookie year.  NOPE.  Then they thought they had a franchise QB in Cousins after he took over.  NOPE.

Kirk is 26-30-1 as a starting QB in the NFL.  However, he’s led his team to 20-plus points in 32 of a possible 48 games in Washington and held a 22-9-1 record as a starter in those 32 games.  But for some reason Washington didn’t want to pay Kirk over $25 million a year.  They said, “Hey Kirk, thanks for the past couple of years but we’d rather pay Alex Smith $18 million a year and win one or two less games. ”  That’s essentially what Washington did right?  And the Vikings decided to go the total opposite way.  They said “fuck it – let’s pay the guy and make him our franchise QB and hope he can take us to the Super Bowl.”

Kirk seems like a super corny dude.  I don’t think Kirk and I would be friends.

https://sports.yahoo.com/kirk-cousins-files-trademark-vike-effort-keep-cheesy-phrase-alive-minnesota-183938832.html

Yup – confirmed. Kirk is corny as fuck.

13.  Matt Ryan: $17 million

I have a theory: Falcon fans hate Matt Ryan.  I don’t have any valid reasons, but I just have this weird feeling that most Falcon fans are sick and annoyed of Matt Ryan.  After their Super Bowl meltdown, it seems as if that feeling has multiplied by 1000.  The reason Matt Ryan will forever be under appreciated in Atlanta?  The ghost of Mike Vick.  It’s impossible to replace Mike Vick in Atlanta; he’s the most popular Atlanta athlete of all time.  That’s why Matt Ryan will never get the respect he deserves unless he wins a Super Bowl.

Since Matt Ryan entered the league, the Falcons have made the playoffs six times and won the Super Bowl once.  From 2008 -2018, there’s only four quarterbacks who have thrown more touchdowns than Matt Ryan:  Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, Philip Rivers, and Tom Brady.  He holds the franchise record for most career wins, he’s a former league MVP, and he’s only 31! But for some weird reason I just have that feeling Falcon fans hate Matt Ryan.  I’m not the only one that feels that way right?  And I have a feeling Atlanta rappers, like Migos, 21 Savage, TI, etc., hate Matt Ryan even more.  I would have included Donald Glover, but there’s no way that dude likes sports.

And I might be TOTALLY WRONG here – it’s just what I think.  I have no proof of this at all.  Atlanta fans might LOVE Matt Ryan like they love Paper Boi.  But I guarantee you half of Atlanta would rather have Quavo as their starting QB.  I am actually dead serious about that.

12.  Andrew Luck: $24.4 million

Andrew Luck was considered one of the best QB’s in the league after the 2014-2015 season.  That feels like a lifetime ago.  But there was no other QB you would have taken over Andrew Luck to build your team around after the 2014 season.  He was only 24 years old and he lead the Colts to the playoffs in the first three years of his career.  In 2014, he threw for over 4,500 yards, 40 touchdowns, and took his team to the AFC Championship game before losing to Brady and the Pats.

And then he just disappeared…. He was the Kawhi Leonard of the NFL before Kawhi Leonard.  We don’t really know what the fuck happened to these guys.  We all know Andrew Luck had shoulder surgery but the whole situation was handled weirdly, just like the whole Kawhi saga.  Why did the recovery process take so long?  Why did it take longer than they expected?  Was it really caused by a snowboarding accident?  Or was it from the hits he took because the Colts said fuck it we don’t need to protect Andrew Luck?  It’s really not that hard.  Protect the most valuable guy on your team. The guy who took you to playoffs each of his first three years in the league and you’re paying $25 million a year.  That would be like owning a Maserati and parking it in the middle of the street during a Hail Storm.

11.  Jimmy Garoppolo: $37 million!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

$37 million. I mean what the hell.  Has anyone done less to earn $37 million than Jimmy GQ?  He spent the first three years living his best life in New England as Tom Brady’s backup, started a whopping TWO games in three years, then got traded to San Francisco where the 49ers made him the highest paid player in the NFL after FIVE GAMES!!!!

In his 8 games with the 49ers, they have gone 6-2 and Jimmy GQ has thrown 12 TDs and 8 INTs (not good).  Every Niners fan will tell you that Jimmy is absolutely worth it.  They have their franchise quarterback and they have no problem paying the man.  But after tearing his ACL, they have to be nervous.  And if they say they’re not, they’re lying through their teeth.

Here’s how the Niners faired statistically before and after Jimmy GQ:

jimmu

Is that why they decided to pay him?  I guess they didn’t really have a choice but to pay him after they traded their second round pick for him.  Talk about going ALL IN.  By the way, in case you didn’t know, Jimmy G signed with Jordan Brand and went on a date with a Porn Star this past summer.  Seriously, tell me someone who’s done more with less than Jimmy GQ.  The guy is a THIEF!!!!!!!

10.  Dak Prescott: $725,848

$725,848… yes, you read that right.  Dallas is paying their QB a little over $700k.  I wanted to rank Dak higher because $700k is cheaper than what I pay for rent in New York City.  The five consecutive games with less than 200 passing yards streak was ridiculous.  Those are Tim Tebow numbers.*  Maybe it’s not his fault, maybe it’s Linehan and Garrett’s fault (probably), but less than 200 yards in 5 consecutive starts is insane.  Dak also has 11 games in the past two years in which he has thrown one or less touchdowns.  ONE or less touchdowns in 11 of his last 20 games!  That has to be some kind of record.  Take a look at Dak’s QB grid progression from 2016-2018.  I think it’s trending in the wrong direction…

2016 Regular Season…WOW.dak 1.jpeg

2017 Regular Season…ehhhh not bad.dak 2

2018 Regular Season…shit.dak 4

But Dak is only 25 years old and he’s shown he can be a quarterback in the league.  He still has time to figure the league out.  It’s crazy to give up on Dak right now.  With a legit offensive coordinator and system you don’t think Dak can be a  good quarterback in the league?  Imagine Dak in McVay’s system.  He probably cant make the same throws Goff can make but you don’t think he’d be a legit quarterback?  Paying your QB $725k is ridiculous.  What are the Cowboys doing right now?  Talk about wasting an opportunity.

The worst part of this?  We never got to witness an all time Dez moment.  Can you imagine Dez during the less than 200 yards in five consecutive games streak?  that would have been an all time classic meltdown.    Speaking of Dez – Why hasn’t Bleacher Report or Facebook created a mini doc series about his current situation?  Wouldn’t that be pretty interesting?  A mini 5-episode documentary following Dez around.  That would be excellent TV.

I have a really funny story about Dak.  We were out in Dallas and got a table at Klutch (#humblebrag).  Next thing I know, Dak is at our table in an awful Adidas hat and what looks to be a XXL Champion plain black sweater (you know, the classic plain hoodies that we all wore in middle school).  Anyways, he was at our table taking shots with us and drinking from OUR BOTTLE.  I remember thinking to myself…

  1. Why the hell does he dress like a fuckin scrub?
  2. What the fuck, you’re a NFL QB.  Why are you drinking from our bottle?!?!?!”

Now I know why.  I forgive you Dak.

*I’ll never understand how Tim Tebow was a starting quarterback in the league.  I mean look at that Chiefs game.  2/9 for 68 yards… they seriously only threw the ball NINE times and completed TWO passes.  Wtf were they doing?  Running the triple option?

Group B:  “Are you serious?  It’s Drew Brees/Tom Brady”

9.  Drew Brees:

NFL single season passing yard leaders since 2006:

2017 Tom Brady (40) 4,577
2016 Drew Brees (37) 5,208
2015 Drew Brees (36) 4,870
2014 Drew Brees (35) 4,952
2014 Ben Roethlisberger (32) 4,952
2013 Peyton Manning (37) 5,477
2012 Drew Brees (33) 5,177
2011 Drew Brees (32) 5,476
2010 Philip Rivers (28) 4,710
2009 Matt Schaub (28) 4,770 (WTF how did this happen)
2008 Drew Brees (29) 5,069
2007 Tom Brady (30) 4,806
2006 Drew Brees (27) 4,418

Drew Brees has lead the league in passing yards in seven of the past 13 seasons and three of the past four.  Brees had the second best odds (+500) this year to lead the league in passing yards.  Let’s say hypothetically that Drew Brees’ odds were +500 to lead the league in passing yards ever year since 2006.  If you bet $100 on Drew Brees every year,  you would have made $3000!!

Brees just broke the record for most career completions, and he’s on the verge of becoming the NFL’s all-time passing leader he just broke the record for all-time leader in passing yards.  Is Drew Brees underrated?   Seriously?   Why doesn’t Brees name come up in conversation when we talk about the best quarterbacks of all time?  I really have no idea.

But at age 39, how many years does Brees have left?  I’m guessing maybe 2-3 years at MAX?  That’s the only reason I have Brees this low on the list.  What would Brees’ career be like if the Dolphins weren’t effin idiots?  New Orleans forever owes Drew Brees. If it wasn’t for Drew Brees, they wouldn’t even have a football team right now.

Fake Trade Scenario – Brady for Brees…who says no right now?  I think the Saints?

8.  Tom Brady: $22 million

The Greatest QB of all time is number eight on my list.  I can only think of seven QBs the Pats would/could trade Tom Brady for.  Patriot fans won’t admit it, but Belichick would trade Brady right now for any of the seven QBs below.  Shit, if he could, Belichick would trade Tom Brady for Jimmy Garoppolo and a fresh new hoodie.

He’s 41 years old and I think this is his last year in the NFL.  What do the Patriots plan on doing after Tom Brady retires?  I don’t think the Patriots even know.  But I’m sick of Tom Brady so I’m not even going to waste my time writing about him.

This is the greatest QB of all time… smh.

brady.gif

Group A:  “Completely untradeable – why are you even calling us.

7.  Cam Newton: $21 million

Ahhhh everyone’s favorite, Cam Newton.  You either love him or you hate him.

I’ll never understand this play from Cam in the Super Bowl.  I’ve been a Cam guy my whole life.  But I’m not sure why he didn’t dive for that ball.  I can’t defend him on this one.  He said he was worried about hurting himself.   But c’mon, it’s a 6 point game in the Super Bowl with 4 minutes left!  Is this why people hate Cam?

cam dive.gif
Since entering the league, the Panthers have made the playoffs in four of his seven seasons, including four of the past five.  In 2015, Cam was the MVP of the league and took his team to the Super Bowl.  He was also ranked as the Top Player on the NFL Top 100 Players of 2016 by his peers.  That was only three years ago.  You don’t think he’s a better QB now than he was three years ago?  He’s only 29 years old and it feels like people forgot about Cam.

Check out his numbers from the 2015 season:  15-1 record, 60% completion rate, 3,837 yards passing, 35 TDs, 10 INTs, 636 rushing yards, and 10 rushing TDs.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh! Hey Cam, people think you’re overrated!

cam2.gif

PS:  He should have never said this, but you have to admit it was funny as hell.

 

6.  Deshaun Watson: $3 million

$5 million a year for Deshaun Watson.  Deshaun was the 12th pick in the 2017 NFL Draft. Here’s a list of teams that passed on Watson (the ones that desperately needed a QB are in red):

  • Browns
  • Bears
  • 49ers
  • Jaguars
  • Titans
  • Jets
  • Chargers
  • Panthers
  • Bengals
  • Chiefs
  • Saints

How many of those teams need/needed QBs?!?!  Are you kidding me?  Every team that needed a QB that year should lose a future first round pick.  Everyone in the Bears front office should be fired for trading up to select Trubisky over Mahomes and Watson.   Everyone should be fired by Ari Gold.

What made you think he wasn’t going to be a legit QB in the league???   He showed up for the National Championship game- TWICE!  That’s all I need to fuckin know about Watson.  Not once, but TWICE.  Showed up, put his dick on the table and said, “I’m the baddest m-fer in this game.  I’m going to throw for 400 yards and 3 TDs.”

His two national championship games stats (both versus Alabama):

2015:  45-40 loss – 405 passing yards and 4 TDs.

2016:  35-31 win – 420 passing yards and 3 TDs.

You know Malcom Gladwell’s whole Blink Test about how spontaneous decisions are often times the best decisions?  Watson is the perfect example of this.  I guarantee you every scout that watched Watson play thought to themselves, “Wow, he’s pretty fuckin incredible.  He should be the number one pick in the draft.”  But instead, you know what they did?  They dug and dug til they found things about Watson they didn’t like.  You can’t tell me you watched those games and thought to yourself,  “Holy shit, the kid’s fuckin legit.”

And guess what?  He torched the league (omg shocker) and played like a MVP candidate before tearing his ACL.  His last game versus Seattle?  He became the first player in NFL history to pass for 400+ yards, 4+ TD passes, and rush for 50+ yards in a single game.  Remember when the Texans started Tom Savage over Watson?  Bill O’Brien should have gotten fired for that.  Coaches deserve to get fired for decisions like that.  That tells me a lot about a man.  Bill O’Brien would be the perfect guy to go to a bar with.  He would just pick the ugliest girl at the bar.

Look at this play against the Bengals.

watson 2.gif

Ok, and then this play is just ridiculous.  Are you kidding me?!?

watson 1.gif

 

5.  Russell Wilson: $24 million

I hate Russell Wilson.  He’s too nice.  But the dude makes plays and wins football games. He has a .647 win % (only second to Tom Brady) and makes plays like this:

Wtf Play 1.russ 1.gif

Wtf Play 2.  That’s a QB. wilson.gif

Wtf Play 3.

4.gif

HOW DOES HE MAKE THIS PLAY?!?!

russ best.gif

Ciara leaving Future for Russell Wilson is laugh out loud funny.  I can’t think of two dudes any more different.

4.  Aaron Rodgers: $21 million

Its simple.  He’s the best QB in the league right now and it’s not even close.  The Packers are legitimate Super Bowl contenders every year because of Aaron Rodgers.  It’s kind of ridiculous to be honest.  No team depends more on one player than Green Bay.  Without Rodgers, the Packers go from Super Bowl contenders to one of the worst teams in football.  That’s not an exaggeration.  They’re NSYNC without Justin Timberlake, they’re Destiny’s Child without Beyonce, they’re the Bulls without Michael Jordan.  Is Aaron Rodgers actually underrated? He’s the Lebron James of the NFL right?  He should be the MVP every year right?

I know what you’re thinking, Rodgers should be number one on this list.  But remember the rules.  Would you rather have Rodgers for the next four years at $21 million a year or Wentz/Mahomes/Goff for a third of the price.  Just look at the Packers roster compared to the Eagles, Rams, and Vikings.

Since Rodgers became the starting QB in 2008, the Packers have missed the Playoffs TWICE: once in 2008 (his first year as the starting QB) and last year (when he was forced out after nine games).

He’s the all-time Passer Rating Career Leader with a rating of 103.6 – no other QB in league history has a career passer rating higher than 100.  He’s thrown 320 TDs compared to only 79 interceptions, the best touchdown to interception ratio in NFL history (45 touchdowns and only 6 interceptions in 2011).  He’s completed at least 60% of his passes in every season.  Another cool little stat?  He hasn’t thrown a pick 6 since Week 9 of the 2009 season.  2009! Remember in 2013 when Matt Schaub threw a pick six in 4 straight games?

Rodgers is 34 years old and probably has about 4-5 more ELITE years left in him.  Will he win another Super Bowl?  He kind of has to, right?  Talent wise, there’s no doubt that Rodgers is one of the greatest quarterbacks ever, but to be considered one of the best, you need more than one Super Bowl ring.  Because at the end of the day, its all about the ringzzzz.

3. Carson Wentz: $7 million

2. Jared Goff: $7 million

1.  Patrick Mahomes: $4 million

WHAT A FUCKIN TRIO.  All three are in the under age 25 club.  It’s the three “I was supposed to be next but I’m here motherfucker” guys.  Watson is close, but I can’t include him in this group yet.  These three guys are literally untradeable right now.  You’re paying your STAR QB $4-7 million for the next two to three years.  It’s going to be interesting to see how their next contracts play out, especially for Goff and Wentz since they have the same agent.  Do they get the same exact contract?

Through Week 4, Mahomes and Goff have been two of the best QBs in the league (Wentz is still trying to find his juice).  Mahomes leads the league in touchdowns with 14 and Goff is second with 11.  Goff leads the league in QBR and Mahomes is a close second.  Goff is second in yards per attempt at 10.49 and Mahomes is 4th with 8.70.

These guys are close.  Closer than Steve Francis and Cuttino Mobley (they were way too close by the way).  Goff is my guy and I think he has the potential to be the best one out of that group.  Wentz is ranked third in this group because he’s two years older than Goff and Mahomes.  I have to admit, I had Mahomes at 10 when I first made this list, but I had to move him to the top spot after the first five games.  Am I going to look back at this in three years and think what the f*** was I smoking?  Maybe.  But right now I don’t think there’s a single QB you would rather start your team with.  The MNF game against Denver was a BIG TIME performance from Mahomes.  The Goff versus Wentz (2016 draft) and Watson versus Mahomes (2017 draft) storylines are going to be incredible for the next ten years.

NFL Week 5 Recap: We don’t deserve the NFL

Giants 31 – Panthers 33

New York Giants v Carolina Panthers

What a game.  I can’t imagine being a Giants fan right now, I really can’t.  Yesterday’s game was an all-time kick in the balls.  Buzzer beater from 63 yards out.  They’re 1-4 and things don’t look like they’re going to get better anytime soon.  But guess what?  That wasn’t the only thing that kicked the Giants in the balls this weekend.  You guessed it!  It finally happened.  It only took ODB (way cooler nickname than OBJ) five weeks to throw his “I need a new QB” fit.  Who didn’t see this coming from the biggest diva in the NFL?  It was a ticking time bomb – tick tick tick tick (Chris Berman Voice).

cb

The best part about yesterday’s game?  Odell throwing a touchdown pass to Saquon – the longest passing touchdown this year for the Giants.  Can the Giants put Odell at QB?  Maybe just run the read option with him and Saquon every play?  Maybe Odell can throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time (according to Gielse, Tom Brady can’t do it)?  Seriously, what are the Giants going to do?  I’m actually starting to feel bad for Giants fans.  But at least they have Saquon and Odell for the next five years!!!!  That’s exciting!  I’m happy for Giants fans.

Live look at Odell at practice this week:

odell simp.gif


Ravens 9 – Browns 12 by Killian Pender

hue jackson.jpg

The Good: This game shows that Higgins can be a factor, thought the loss of Gordon would be back breaking but it seems as though we have something in Higgins (hopefully the injury is not huge). Hyde keeps trucking along and leading potentially the best running back room in the league. Baker is fearless, no matter the outcome he’s gonna slang that thang. Defense is exactly who we thought they were, great. Ward looks like the DROY through 5 weeks and can’t tackle anything, he just makes plays (third INT of the season, and a blocked FG). Peppers has terrible ball skills, but that guy was HITTING. WIN.

The Bad: Drops, drops, drops; drops continue to be an issue for the team. Baltimore has a good defense and I knew we couldn’t score a ton of points but the drops are killing us. Landry not going out of bounds at the end of regulation. If he goes out there, we don’t spike it and we have another play to get closer for our kicker that did not even make 70% of his kicks in college. The special teams remains to be the worst aspect of the team.

The Ugly: Lombardi said on “The NFL Show” that the Browns are a 50 minute team, and it shows week after week. Our clock management at the end of each game has been an issue that led to two losses. Hue didn’t even know the game was over after the kick. We are gonna trip over our own feet. Damn.

oh why.png

I do believe we can win the division, pound on.


Rams 33 – Seahawks 31

goff

That was a good win for the Rams.  Division road game are always tough and they pulled it off without Cooks and Kupp in the second half.  Did anyone actually think the Rams were going to lose that game though?  This Rams team has a 2000s Lakers team feel to it.  You expect them to win these games now.  I was never worried or nervous.  Seattle wasn’t going to beat the Rams in a shootout.  The Rams can’t stop the run and that’s the only thing that worries me right now.  I’m not sure why teams continue to try and keep up with the Rams.  Run the ball, work the clock, and keep the offense off the field.  You’re not going to outscore the Rams this year.

Was anyone surprised McVay went for it on 4th and 1 to ice the game?  That’s what good coaches do (more on this later).  He pulled his balls out and said, “I have the best offense in the league.  Try to stop us.”  Love it.  Jared Goff showing that emotion after the first down?  FUCKIN LOVE IT.  IS THAT TOM BRADY?!?!?

There was honestly was never a doubt.  Remember the “too many different personalities in the locker room” talk before the season?  That was cute.

But Marcus Peters.  What the fuck my dude?  He’s been burned for a touchdown every game.  It is cause he’s hurt?  Maybe.  Or is he getting burned trying to make a big play for the defense?  Probably.  It pisses me off but you know what, I’m OK with it.  He has that privilege because of the offense.  Peters will give up touchdowns/big plays this year but I’m calling it right now – he’s going to make a HUGE play in the playoffs this year.  A game winning/clinching pick 6.  I also love watching Peters try and rip the ball out of the ball carrier’s arms.  It’s so much fun to watch and scream, “BALL BALL BALL!!!!”

TOUGH game next week vs the Broncos at Denver.  Back to back road games and possibly no Cooks and Kupp.  The Rams are going to need some players to make some plays (PETERS PICK 6 NEXT WEEK).


Cowboys 16 – Texans 19 (OT)

coaches.jpg

What a game.  I’m so glad that game was on prime-time for us to see.  I cannot believe I stayed up and watched this entire “football” game but I’m glad I did.  That game was awful.  I never said, “wtf are they doing” so many times in my life.  Chris Collinsworth did everything he could do to make the game sound exciting.  My personal favorite was, “I’m glad these teams only play once every four years cause they’re doing everything they can to kill each other out there.”  Hey Colin, guess what?   I’m also glad they only play once every four years because I can’t watch those two teams play every year.

Bill O’Brein is my new favorite coach (sorry Hue Jackson).  What the hell was he doing that game?  Was he drunk?  Is every Texans game like that?  Because if it is I need to get league pass to watch the Texans every week.  Here’s my BOB rant:  Deshuan Waston was clearly hurt that game.  They had their team doctors check on him after every series.  But guess what??  BOB didn’t think so!  Hey Deshaun are you hurt?  Ok pefect!  Let’s call a QB sweep to the left where you’ll get crushed by a Jaylon Smith.  I know you’re our franchise QB but my job is on the line.  I don’t care if you get hurt this game!  His play calls from the one yard line were amazing.  I mean not once but TWICE.

1st series:  10-6 HOU with 10 seconds left in the half.   4th and goal from the half yard line.  Hmmm let’s play a game called, “You’re a NFL coach, what would you do?”

A) You just take the points. Kick it and go up 7.  Plus you get the ball to start the second half

B) QB Sneak (you obviously don’t care about Watson)

C) Goal line formation and just smash it in there. I don’t care with who.  Put fuckin JJ Watt back there as your lead FB and just fuckin run it down their throat.  Or just hand the ball off to JJ Watt

D) Go shotgun with Watson and take a sack

DING DING DING!  You win as long as you didn’t choose Answer D!  Guess what BOB did?  D!!! Shotgun from the HALF yard line.  Watson rolled out and got destroyed by Jaylon Smith.  Ok, fine maybe I’m being harsh on BOB.  Let’s take a look at the second series.  There’s no way he can mess this up again, right?  WRONG.

2nd series:  13-13 with 10 minutes left in the game.  Ball at the Dallas ONE yard line.  Here’s a breakdown:

img_6707

Alfred Blue is 230 pounds.  Give him the ball four straight times.  I don’t give a fuck if they have 100 people and 10000000 Whataburgers stacked up in the box.  If your team can’t get you one yard and into the end zone in a 13-13 game, I am sorry.

That’s a decision a 13 year old can make on Madden.  Can someone get the Texans an “Ask Madden” app?  An app that calls a random 12 year old Texans fan for a playcall.  I can’t believe I’m this upset about the Texans.

And then there’s Jason Garrett.  What the FUCK are you doing punting on 4th and 1 on the Texans 42 yard line in overtime?!?!?!?  What the FUCK are you trying to do?!?!?  By punting it you’re essentially saying, “let’s kick the ball to them and play for a tie.”  Right?!?!  There’s no other fuckin reason to punt the ball in that situation.  You claim to have the best offensive line in the NFL, you drafted Zeke Elliot with the fourth pick in the draft, and you’re 2-2.  You win this game and you’re in first place of the division!  What are you doing punting the ball in that situation?!?!  You’re on their 42 fuckin yard line!!!!  You think your team is going to be upset that you went for it on 4th and 1 on the Texans 42?  You think they’re going to be upset that you went for the win?!?!?!?  This stuff is just mind blowing.

The Texans and Cowboys need to fire their coach on the same day this week.  Let’s make it a Texas Holiday – give everyone in Texas the day off.  They deserve it.

Jared Goff for MVP

Are you f***** kidding me?!?!?!  What a performance by Jared Goff.  He was dropping DIMES all over the field.  Some of the throws he made tonight were ridiculous.  Absolutely ridiculous.  System QB my ass.  Nothing gets me more excited than Jared Goff loading up for a deep play-action pass.  WARM UP THE JARED GOFF FOR MVP TALK!  I’m ready to say it, Jared Goff is ELITE.  LOOK AT THAT QB RATING. It’s literally perfect.

This is beautiful.

Vikings vs Rams Preview

This was supposed to be a game between the two best teams in football.  When they released the schedule, I was pissed off that they scheduled this game for Thursday Night.  I didn’t want to hear the Thursday Night excuses.  I didn’t want to hear the Vikings are traveling to LA on a short week excuse.  I wanted this game on Sunday night on National Television.  I wanted the Rams to MURDER the Vikings on Sunday night for the world to see.  I honestly feel disrespected by the NFL.  The best team in football shouldn’t have to play on Thursday Night.

But you know what, I’m GLAD this game is on Thursday.  I’m glad we can just get this game over with.  The Vikings lost to the Bills last weekend.  I can’t believe I thought the Vikings were the best team in football.  I am such an idiot.  You know what good teams do?  They take care of business at home.  They don’t lose to shitty teams led by a rookie QB.  I don’t care who you’re playing.  Do you see the Rams losing to shitty teams? No, the Rams are MURDERING teams.  That’s just what good football teams do.

You know why I’m so confident?

1. I know, no Talib and no Peters tonight.  Am I worried about Diggs and Thielen?  No, why should I?  Suh, Donald, and Brockers are going to eat Corny Kirk alive.  He won’t even have time to get the football to them.  The Vikings line got hammered by the Bills last weekend.  What are they doing to do vs the best d-line in football?

2. The Rams are going to be rocking these fuckin bad boys tonight. The best uniform in football.  Under the lights in these uniforms in LA?!?!  Like my boy, Craig Cyer once told me, “Look good, feel good, play good.”  I can’t wait til the Rams go with these full time.  Look at these GQ mfers.

ramsrams.jpg

3.  C’mon…who you rolling with?  Zimmer or McVay?

zimmermcvay

Prediction:  Rams 31- 17.  EASY.